When I write I…

11 Jan

In class today we had 7 minutes to free write, starting with the words “When I write  I..”

When I write I am transformed to another place and time completely. I just begin, I let go. I find myself floating over where I have been. I can see the past, I can maybe even see bits of the future.

Yet, the most clear thing is the present. It sharpens in front of me, like I am adjusting a camera lens. Click! The flash goes off. I study the framed photo, zoom in, eye the details. I see the way the colors of the moment bleed into each other, the hues pop out, the shapes become what they we not before- not just the ordinary thing in front of me, but more.

Layers peel off one by one. I see now, what I didn’t before. All that has been my life, all that I think and feel, all that brings joy or pain or confusion makes sense for a moment. Or maybe it’s not always that it makes sense,  I can’t read my life like a dictionary definition, I am just ok with it being abstract. I can stare at the painting in front of me and soak in the beauty without trying to find all this meaning. In the beauty I find meaning.

When I write, I am ok with the world around me. I am ok with myself. I stop judging myself, stop pretending and finally become honest. I am split wide open. I used to fear this so much, so I would just scratch the surface, just say things that I thought others wanted to hear. I realize more and more, when I do that I cheat myself. I cheat the world from this God-given gift- to bleed on paper.

We all want to know we are not crazy. We all want to read something and think “Wow, I am not the only one!” We read to know we are not alone, and we write to feel sane, to learn to be human.

When I write I know this.

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One Response to “When I write I…”

  1. rebecca January 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    joan didion wrote We write to discover what we think.
    I love that when you write you see things more clearly. Your breaking open and growing of beautiful flowers– and people recognize them, smell them, and are brighter and more lovely for what you have shared.

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