Away I Go

I just got back from a three week meander across the west coast and back. It was an interesting trip. I felt like I was in the movie “Away We Go.” In the movie, a pregnant couple travel across the US visiting people, trying to find a place they belong. (I love this movie- and not just cause it has Jim from The Office. And NO I am definitely NOT pregnant and most of the time I was by myself or with my friend Jeanne so it was a little different.) In the end of the movie the couple ends up finding home in the most unlikely place- the one place that the girl had been avoiding, her past.

After six years of living in Lindale, being in Teen Mania then YWAM, I am in this interesting transition. The possibilities are spread before me, and I have the constant choice of excitement or fear.

Each place I went to, I envisioned myself living there, stating my life with my love. Each trendy city I was in, I convinced myself it was so much better then Texas. Each person I stayed with I had some sort of conversation about relationships, marriage families, trying to piece together what it all means.

I watched my dear friend who has waited 28 years without a boyfriend get married to the man of her dreams. Caught the bouquet, danced with precious girl friends.  I stayed up late with with a friend as she processed her recent break up.  I drove around the San Fransisco, listened to my aunt talk about the days of the hippy movement, the history of the city, of my own family. I held my  brand new baby twin nieces, one with down syndrome, smiled as I heard my sister-in-law say “I love my kids so much. There is no love in the world like that.” Watched my friend’s roommate who is a newly wed, grieve over her mom passing away a few days before.  We stayed with another friend had recently got a divorce.  She is just beginning to find herself again. Stopped in Salt Lake city and and stayed with one of “my girls” from ministry team who is about to get married.  Ended up where I started- back in Denver with my best friend who is about to have a baby in a few weeks.

I thought too much about my future. Of the job I am starting at the camp in Dallas for disabled people on Saturday. Of the month long road trip/tour my boyfriend and I are taking in August. Of marriage, kids, travel, ministry, writing. What will be.

Beneath all the layers of the painful and beautiful memories of the people that altered my soul in my time in India. I realized and admitted to having some sort of  mild post traumatic stress syndrome. I have been so afraid to admit how much India affected me. That, in itself, is part of the healing.

On the bus ride back, entering Texas I felt that strange sentimental feeling like I was coming home. Back to the place I am always trying to escape from. The place where I was born again, the place I found God and life.

The sun rays shot through the Texas sky, peach colored brush strokes, like Jesus coming back into the world and into my soul. I felt a burden lift.

Cause oh, you are home. No matter where I go you’re in my bones. And No matter where I sleep, I never rest outside the place I keep my soul. -Levi Weaver