I Saw The Ugliest Sight (And It Was Me)

27 Oct

last night I saw the ugliest sight
she emerged out of this deep place
of not believing good things
that place where anger feels better than sadness
where selfishness encompasses like a too-warm blanket
growing tighter until you have no circulation

last night I saw the ugliest sight
(and it was me)

I should be used to that, but I am not
as the new creation becomes the reality
the old is so grotesque
I can’t even look at her

she speaks out of an overflow of negative emotion

I don’t need you, I am fine on my own.

What about me?

she pleads for the world
not realizing everything is already lost to her

when I saw her
I did my best to control her
to keep her under wraps
to try to reduce the amount of damage she did

she appeared in a dream again this afternoon
as I tried to nap off this affliction

in dreams, you see
she’s always trying to go somewhere else
always searching and always coming up short
always seeking pleasure to mask her misery
always alone and unsatisfied

she’s more tame then, at least
in nightmares I can wake up
start all over again

so today I walked
I walked off my storm
walked off my angst
walked until I knew
she wasn’t real anymore

but for a moment I was glad
she still shows her ugly face at times

glad to be reminded of my frailty
how else could I remember the need for Love outside myself?

I knew in that moment
she is a part of me
the dead part
and you don’t just love me
you love me

the thought almost pushed me off balance
that she would be the recipient of such a Great Love
such a non-deserving Grace

Isn’t that the point?

I saw the ugliest sight
and it was me

(Not anymore)

I looked around the neighborhood at the houses decorated for Halloween.
It used to annoy me, people celebrating death. Hanging cobwebs and skeletons, ghost and witches, why all that when there is so much life?

And then I knew, as I watched a plastic ghost tied to a tree flutter in the wind, its body moving in a moment,

That the small difference between death and life is in the Wind.

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2 Responses to “I Saw The Ugliest Sight (And It Was Me)”

  1. georgefloreswrite October 27, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    And this would be why I subscribe to your blog. Great insights from a person fighting to be a better person. Excellent!

    • brookeluby October 27, 2011 at 11:01 pm #

      Thanks so much for reading. This is a very personal piece and it was hard to post but I knew I needed to. 🙂

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