Swimming or Treading Water

17 Jul

Some days I don’t know what to say. I wish I could find words but they seem hidden from me.

I am a blank slate. I hate everything I put on paper. Wait, this isn’t paper…

I decided to detox facebook for a few days. My brain feels like mush. I probably made it that way. All the filling with crap, random stuff that doesn’t do me any good.

I hate feeling like crusty things build up, plaque, gross stuff that I can’t think or breathe around. Sometimes it takes a pick-ax to get through to the other side.

I’ve been writing a lot about opening up my eyes, but sometimes I feel like I go through life with my eyes shut 90% of the time.

Then it hits me, how fast this is all over. Life. You blink and it’s done.

Writing (especially poetry) freezes time, captures moments, slows it all down a bit.

Slowly.

Slowly, now.

I  have to write all these paragraphs to dig beneath to what is really there. I feel the pain in this. In exposing the things I had forgotten. Or never learned.

I close my eyes and picture a moment. Or really a thousand moments. Mostly in foreign lands.

I need to reflect. I need to connect.

I need to capture the moment, I feel the need to post on facebook and get the instant gratification of knowing someone cares about some inane moment of my day.

Because I want to share the moment with people, in order to validate my existence.

I want to feel connected to my imaginary community.

So I go online. Everyone is doing something different with their lives. Everyone else is having an adventure. Everyone else is having babies.

Everyone else.

I can’t live like that. I can’t. I can’t compare. I can’t feel like I am running behind. It’s a sure way to be miserable, to wish my life away.

I write poetry to slow down and to know that I can be content.

That I don’t have to live in anxiety. In discontentment.

Because I can stop and see what’s next to me,

(Close your eyes, think of all you have beside you.- Katie Herzig)

I can be happy.

I am happy.

I have all I need.

(This is what I wanted.)

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: