I Had A Dream

Last night I had this obscure dream. I don’t remember the scene or the characters or lines, but I do remember that I got a letter.

From God.

I am sure if I could remember it word for word I could go down in history, perhaps be considered a prophet or at least sell a few books.

But alas, details of dreams escapes as they tend to do. Words fade away as consciousness drifts in, or rudely jumps in as it did this morning to my alarm, which ironically, has the not-so-heavenly sound of harps.

I do know the feelings and impressions left by the letter. It felt warm and familiar, soft and comforting. It was written simply, using words I tend to gravitate towards.

I know that it spoke of my deep desires, my overwhelming feelings, my passion that I can’t put words to, my dreams for the future.

Things I don’t know how to deal with at times, so I push them down, choke them out, wrestle them to the floor.

Allowing desire to take root and grow seems reckless, risky, stupid.
How will it survive in a world like this?
How do I know if this won’t lead me to destruction?
How do I know if this is God’s way or my way?

Being human is funny. It’s even funnier to think that I am completely flesh, I am frail, I will one day stop breathing and rot in a casket, yet I have the spirit of God in me.

That is something I will never cease to be in awe of.

Back to my dream.

The purpose of the letter, when it was said and done, was for God to tell me that He understands.
Yeah, ok.
God understands… that’s cool….
No, it’s so much more then that.
He understands my crazy-goes-way-too-far-down-destructive-rabbit-trails-imagination-sometimes-causing-that-rabbit-to-die-of-a-heart-attack thoughts.
He not only understands, He goes there with me, so He can show the way out.
And He doesn’t tell me to stuff my desires.

Sometimes, I think, in our “attempts to be holy” we lose the capacity to feel.

I don’t want to go there.
Personally, I would rather air or the side of risking, throwing myself out there, daring to live out my passion.
I know this may be “dangerous,” and maybe people will misinterpret what I am saying.

God understands, so I am going to go cheat on my wife.

Frankly, those examples are silly and I don’t feel the need to explain that’s not what I am talking about.

I am talking about being fully ALIVE.
I am talking about living in the Grace of God, knowing He will catch you.
That your most disgusting display of your own humanity cannot and will not separate you from His love.
Maybe that’s “dangerous” but I’d rather live in that world.

I know what the other one is like.
I know what it’s like to be a good, always striving to be holy, judgmental, paranoid, afraid Christian.
No thank you.

I had a dream, and in my dream I knew that God understands what I am made out of- all the beauty, the insecurity, the light and dark clashing, the desires good and bad, every fiber of who I am and who I will be.

And that was enough.