Smudgy Pictures of the Future, AKA "I have no idea what I am doing."

10 Jul

Here I am again. This is too familiar, but each time I go through the same old worry, same old freak-out, same old resolution and finally, a sense of peace. The future feels  blurry, and in my humanness, blurry feels scary. I have vague impressions, colors and smudgy lines. Words and songs, faces, images. But the actual tangible time line in my head is at a stand still. The “logical” preparatory part of my brain shuts down, otherwise anxiety will set in.

When people ask me the “whens,’ “whats” and “hows,” I don’t have an answer. I’ve learned to just smile and say “yes,” to try to choke out all the “what-ifs” churning, taunting, trying to control me, to rob my peace.

I can’t let them.

I laugh at my 21 year old smug self who figured by the time 26 came around, everything would be so sure.

The older I get, the more I realize it never is.

Because we equate sure with plans, with actions, with what fills up our 9-5.

I wish I could erase these ideals that say in order to be happy you must have some sort of “stability.”

Again, stability is equated to career, finances, house.

In that sense of the words, I have nothing sure, nothing stable.

How many times have I uttered, “I have no idea what I am doing with my life.”

But saying this doesn’t have to be tragic. Maybe it can be… releasing.

Maybe I can remind myself for the billionth time, I can find joy in the unknown.

The unknown is where I start to live.

The world is open. It is my playground. Anything is possible. Anywhere is possible.

Stability, sureness, they revolve not around my source of income or where I lay my head at night, but the people in my life, the relationships.

And ultimately, my Savior.

I forget this, and it’s like forgetting what I look like, who I am. And so, I need to be shook up. I need to run out of time on my lease, run out of money, wonder what I am going to do next. I need to go on a road trip having no idea what my life is going to look like in a few months. I need to walk forward, love, let my passion (not my worry) carry me.

I need to give everything to projects I fully believe in, things I know deep down in the core of my heart, “If I don’t create this, I am cheating myself. I am cheating the world.” I need to spend my time and energy cultivating meaningful relationships, whispering thank yous  to my creator, laughing with no fear of the future.

Then, and only then, I will be free from the “what-ifs” and the lame cultural ideas of success and stability, from the lies of what happiness looks like. Then I will be free, with an open road, an open heart, I’ll have room for so much more beauty and meaning in my life.

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