Tag Archives: on the road

Smudgy Pictures of the Future, AKA "I have no idea what I am doing."

10 Jul

Here I am again. This is too familiar, but each time I go through the same old worry, same old freak-out, same old resolution and finally, a sense of peace. The future feels  blurry, and in my humanness, blurry feels scary. I have vague impressions, colors and smudgy lines. Words and songs, faces, images. But the actual tangible time line in my head is at a stand still. The “logical” preparatory part of my brain shuts down, otherwise anxiety will set in.

When people ask me the “whens,’ “whats” and “hows,” I don’t have an answer. I’ve learned to just smile and say “yes,” to try to choke out all the “what-ifs” churning, taunting, trying to control me, to rob my peace.

I can’t let them.

I laugh at my 21 year old smug self who figured by the time 26 came around, everything would be so sure.

The older I get, the more I realize it never is.

Because we equate sure with plans, with actions, with what fills up our 9-5.

I wish I could erase these ideals that say in order to be happy you must have some sort of “stability.”

Again, stability is equated to career, finances, house.

In that sense of the words, I have nothing sure, nothing stable.

How many times have I uttered, “I have no idea what I am doing with my life.”

But saying this doesn’t have to be tragic. Maybe it can be… releasing.

Maybe I can remind myself for the billionth time, I can find joy in the unknown.

The unknown is where I start to live.

The world is open. It is my playground. Anything is possible. Anywhere is possible.

Stability, sureness, they revolve not around my source of income or where I lay my head at night, but the people in my life, the relationships.

And ultimately, my Savior.

I forget this, and it’s like forgetting what I look like, who I am. And so, I need to be shook up. I need to run out of time on my lease, run out of money, wonder what I am going to do next. I need to go on a road trip having no idea what my life is going to look like in a few months. I need to walk forward, love, let my passion (not my worry) carry me.

I need to give everything to projects I fully believe in, things I know deep down in the core of my heart, “If I don’t create this, I am cheating myself. I am cheating the world.” I need to spend my time and energy cultivating meaningful relationships, whispering thank yous  to my creator, laughing with no fear of the future.

Then, and only then, I will be free from the “what-ifs” and the lame cultural ideas of success and stability, from the lies of what happiness looks like. Then I will be free, with an open road, an open heart, I’ll have room for so much more beauty and meaning in my life.

Grace My Feet- Life Changes, Writing & Itineration

30 May

Check it. Comments, opinions, please.


I’ve been wanting to do videos to my poems for awhile, I did one a few years back, but it got deleted when my youtube account was hacked. In the future, I hope to actually get more video and less pictures, but we will see.

Side note/bragging excitement: This poem is one of my favorites and it actually just won first place in The Shine Journal’s Contest and was nominated for The Pushcart Prize. I am excited this is like the first writing contest I have ever won and I have literally entered hundreds.

This past week I turned 26 and spent my last day at Pais. I honestly expected I was going to be there longer, but several different changes and opportunities made me realize it was time to move on. I am going to miss the people I worked with, they are amazing and have truly added so much to my life, I am so thankful for them. I learned a ton at this job and I know I was there for so many reasons.

Life is an adventure, I never really know what is around the bend, but I am reminded again, this is how I thrive. I remember my life song, Faith My Eyes by Caedmon’s Call,

and I don’t want to know, cause life is better off a mystery….

Yes. A change will do me good. I am used to the good-bye’s and hello’s, it seems to be how life rolls along. At first I struggled with thinking I have commitment issues or something, but no, this is the way God made me. I come alive when I itinerate.

so keep on coming, these lines on the road…

I am now currently a full-time freelance writer. I have a few writing projects I am pursuing, including one opportunity to co-write a book with someone who has enormously influenced my life. That is going to be my main focus this summer and most likely beyond. It is something that has been burning on my heart for the past three years, it is incredibly important book the world needs to read- a journey from bondage to grace and life. I am so excited because I feel like God is finally releasing me to jump into this. More on that later. 🙂

Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load…

I also contributing to this beautiful book called Teach Your Daughters to Cry Loudly. This project is by Jonathan Almanzar, the same talented writer who co-authored the book, Crabgrass and Oak Trees, which I reviewed earlier in my blog. Teach Your Daughters is collaboration of stories of oppressed women all over the world, a way share in their suffering and have our hearts broken until we must do something to help ease their pain. The story I have contributed is one about a girl I met in the brothel in India, the sister of one of the girls in the children’s home we worked out. Seeing since how the soul purpose of our trip to India was to tell stories, it is amazing to me how one year later, it is really happening. This book is so much my heart and I am honored to be a part of it.

Keep me guessing, these blessings in disguise…

If you are still reading, thank you for being a part of my journey. I am going to try to blog more often here.

I’ll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.

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