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What the Water Does For My Words

19 May

I don’t know why I get to this place

away from the joy I used to know

almost afraid to count my blessings

nearly afraid to hope

it’s been a long road

towards home

wet and muddy

close to flooding

I usually feel something different in the rain

It’s always been my soul cleanse of choice

(and my cliche poem topic, too)

I’d stop and see

what the water does for my words

how it rinses the dust in my heart

and carries away old, dead thinking

now it’s just some kind of shivering, wet gibberish

trying to build a bridge

in the gap of thoughts

as water rushes in

I wish it were profound and real

but right now, it’s just me

empty and full again

washed and cold and waiting for the sun

stuck in-between the truth I know will set me free

and wishing for anywhere, anything else

all the potential in the world wrapped up in a feeling

fickle as spring weather in Texas

then I close my eyes and  I am a child

tracing raindrops with my finger as they race

down the outside of the car window

 I am going fast and it doesn’t matter where

I am alive

once again finding wonder

in puddle jumping

and the sensation

of the rain on my skin

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Triggers

12 May

here’s what triggers me:

a soft feeling beneath a cynical view

that today matters

that there is worth in unexpected moments

that greener grass is here, now

I want to take a breath and mean it

like when time stopped and every inhale and exhale

meant bringing a child into the world

a labor of pure love

I want to work like that until my heart is filled again

to fix my eyes on letters

and forget all the numbers

filling my head

peace is not a catchphrase

contentment is not a buzzword

I want them to be the structure which holds

this body together

which binds my skin and keeps all my insides, in

that which infinitely embraces my soul

and keeps me well

that whispers inside my spirit

You don’t have to live like this 

on dark days

I am not sure where to go from here

only that every step matters

like every cell and atom

like rest and color

like music and warmth

like today

this is what triggers me:

a cascade of bright memories

a dull black and white fear

an anticipation of hope

swirling in the sky as one

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Sparrows and Eagles

10 Apr

bird

I’ve got to get off the ground somehow
If the wind would only create enough lift
For this tattered thinking
Facing destruction
I need a resurrection

I am tired of these rocks in my shoes
Broken views
Hardened by a misuse
Of my mind
Always looking for things I can’t find

But you
You said wait and you’ll renew
My strength
My ability to see
You’ll heighten my view

I am tortured and plagued by this feeling of dread
I’ll never be there
I’ll never be her

But you
You feed all the small birds
And count every missing feather
You know when the snow makes them shiver
How far they roam
Every stick that makes up the nest
They call home
How much more

When I can’t take one more step
When I feel shriveled and used up
When I don’t know what I believe anymore
I am knocked to the floor
Breath gone
Fear seems like it won
My heart feels like rocks
And my chest caves in
And as stones crumble
Light seeps through an open door
How much more

My daughter laughs
And it’s like a crack in heaven’s door
Like love burst forth
A breaking dam
Overflowing, powering cities with joy
How much more

A hand stretched out
Offers bread, a smile, a cup of wine, a song
Conversation that makes you feel you belong
Warmth, connection, pure affection
How much more

Love is here
Complete light
Total hope
Unending flights

I wait
I soar

Finding Myself In The Story

6 Dec

Sometimes I’d like to get lost in a crowd

Let the energy swell around me

Until I don’t feel separate

But a small part of a whole entity

I am tired of myself

Everything feels so personal

So internal

So stressful

So petty

I used to see the world differently

And I want to go back to that place

Back to the realization that nothing matters

But my unique contribution

But love

Like every step has meaning

Like no word is lost

Like I know everything matters

Like I can really change things

Change the world

Yes, change myself first

Yes, raise a family too

But what about that BIG thing?

What about my HARD thing that I must do?

What about pouring myself out

and out,

and out again

Once, a long time ago,

A teenage girl sat in her room alone and promised God and herself

Everything would be different

That no day would be wasted

That purpose would seep out of every pore

That she would be single-minded to the point of recklessness

Now she’s tired and feeling 30

And she buries her head in her hands

And thinks of all that’s lost

Then realizes nothing is

Because I don’t have to move mountains

All at once

Only a stone at a time

My promises don’t matter as much

As what’s been promised to me

I can change things

Brick by brick

Bird by bird

Word by word

I can change myself

(I have to believe what I am doing matters. I have to give this everything. I have to become someone else. I have to be me. I have to get lost in the story. I have to find myself there.)

So here I go…

Photo 315

The Slow Days are the Hardest

13 Sep

Sometimes it’s the slow days that are the hardest
When we go go go we aren’t forced to face ourselves
All the raging inside becomes mute in the busy

When we’re moving forward
We can look out the window at the landscape
Even if it’s stark
The motion of the road
Stirs our imaginations
A circus act appears
And anything can happen

There’s infinite possibility in the chaos

Photo Credit: Chris Campbell via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Chris Campbell via Compfight cc

But when we’re standing still
The future seems so small
Our insides so enormous
Like the stretch of our emotions is pulling us apart
And we don’t know how to move anymore

So we cast the blame
Dreaming of glory days of motion
Even if they were full of terror
We only remember going somewhere

Sometimes the still days are the meanest
When everything collides inside
And we can no longer hide from ourselves

What We’re In The Middle Of

5 Mar

sometimes we miss things the most

when we’re right in the middle of them

we could be swimming in the most beautiful waters

and we can’t see the size of the ocean

only that we’re paddling for dear life

it’s no secret why we’re sinking

we want so desperately to enjoy the moment

we forget to breathe

we feel like we’re not really living

unless there’s a record of it

broadcasted for other humans

to enter into

because our experiences mean nothing

if they’re not shared

even as we drown

in a tsunami of opinion

pulling down what we love with us

let us be wrong

let us be ridiculed

let us be hated

but please, don’t let us be alone

an endless black sea all around

with the universe coming out our fingertips

the blinding light reflects on water

back into our tired eyes

let us float on our backs

until the edge of the world

let our arms and legs give way

but please, don’t let us forget to live

sinking

Sold Out

21 Jan

sometimes I feel sold out

like everyone is offering me a pretty line

an insincere smile and a billboard sign

a “new better you!” for just one more dime

we live in a society that runs on gimmicks

manipulating people’s emotions with cheap tricks

it’s science and psychology

making dollars from joys and fears

preying on weakness, fatness and tears

I am weary of sellers only wanting to gain from me

tired of works of art that move me

only to knock me over with an offer I can’t refuse

no strings attached is too good to be true

but I am the problem

I am to blame

because I am consumed with consumption

buying and selling fame

saving a dollar or ten

the hunt and the game

because I am part of a network of sellers and buyers

looking at others like their souls are for hire

because I am part of the problem

every time I stop seeing humanity

and obsess about what they can do for me

I cease to see individual’s love and pain

and only look for what I can gain

well maybe we can’t beat ’em so we may as well join ’em!

the pushers and peddlers and used car salesmen

(cause we will never be as bad as them)

but just that’s neglecting our own freedom

and I

I just want to breath

I just want to see beauty and know it’s free

I just want to create something lovely

I just want to bask in life’s gifts and give things away

I want to see love where there’s nothing to pay

I just want to know

deep down in my bones

nothing is owed

and all that matters

can’t be sold

freebeauty

Divine Unknowns

2 Sep

In the stillness of the morning
I close my eyes
and feel covered by a peace
that warms the sensitive
skin of my soul
fragile and yearning for comfort
a warm cup of obsoletes
in a room of shivering uncertainties

I don’t have a clue
but I’ll stay inside the mystery
this land of unknowns
it’s wild and open and free

I’d rather be here then the bleak, cold bus station
thinking I know my destination
riding in circles to fake conclusions
living half-awake with no anticipation
drifting into a monotonous drive
where everything looks the same
all is safe and colorless

I’ve forgotten how to be alive:

be here
where I don’t have a clue
inside the mystery
the land of unknowns
where it’s wild and open and free

I’ve been down this road before
a clear map in my imagination
pale faces line the highways
and I don’t turn to see
I am too focused on my destination
I forget the point of the journey

there’s no time for ignoring humanity
no room to fall for the same old spiel
lies to fake what’s inside of me
fear is a traffic jam in my head
and the noise is unprecedented

but love is the driving force
love makes room
for the swirling apprehensions
and the deafening doubts
love doesn’t fear them
love resists forcing a hand
or controlling a plan
loves steers off the wide road
and brings me home

so right now
I don’t have a clue
but I’ll stay inside the mystery
this land of divine unknowns
where It’s open and wild and free

As the World Explodes with Love

21 May

 

I keep anticipating that moment

outside time

when my body releases yours

after it has held you so tight

and you become your own

 

but how can I anticipate

a bright star coming into existence

across a galaxy

 

how do I anticipate

seeing you

an oh-so-familiar stranger

part me

part the love of my life

part stardust

and fully you

 

and I’ll finally wake up

knowing fully well

that despite these fantastic

and extraordinary experiences

 

(backwards roads

upward waterfalls

circular emotion

upside-down love

infinite beauty)

 

they are faintly drawn lines

memories of someone else’s existence

when I think of participating

in giving life to you

 

and I’ll show you the light shining through the trees

and you’ll show me the endless skies you traveled from

we’ll be each other’s guides

across seas

beyond lands and galaxies

 

and I’ll teach you how to put words to these feelings

and you’ll remind me what it’s like to see the face of God

 

you’ll grow

and I’ll try my best to slow down time

and suddenly the universe will seem so small and wonderful

as the world explodes with love

 

 

These Unfettered Lines

10 Apr

 

my story begins not-so-right

fighting and biting my way out of the night

 

aware of having a face that wasn’t my own

obsessed with avoiding being alone

 

pushing, squeezing

trying to work on my breathing

 

never believing

I could really make it out on time

 

but this is how I came to love

these unfettered lines

 

I traded all I thought I was

into who I really am

 

I gave up following a straight line

and started for an uncharted way

 

I turned in my map for a songbook

and traced the light into the day

 

I gave up and lost it all

and let myself fall

 

into the grace of not knowing

where I am or where I am going

 

and soon I came to see

I had been strangling the life right out of me

 

with a rulebook as a noose

and a false sense of reality

 

but this is how I came to love

these unfettered lines

 

I gave up all I thought I knew

and danced in a dark room

 

running for the sunrise

obligatory ambitions absolved

 

I returned to the womb

and started anew

 

these words finally opening my eyes

 

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