Sometimes I feel lost. Lost in my head. Lost in worry.
I forget I am not doing life alone.
I tend to try to go at it by myself, and I know that isn’t healthy.
Sometimes I forget simple child-like faith is all I really need.
I’ve done a pretty good job rejecting religion, but I don’t want to get stuck there.
I don’t want to stay at the “what’s wrong with Christianity” party.
Trust me, it’s not worth it.
There is so much goodness and light and life when people just embrace Jesus.
When they truly love God and love others.
I want to focus on that.
I know the old phrase,
It’s not religion it’s relationship.
I know it has meaning, but what does it mean to me?
Today, I sat in church and thought about it.
Often, it means not doing things “by the book.”
It means figuring out what works for me and throwing myself into it.
It may mean doing the opposite of the crowd. It may mean looking heretical to others.
It means having nothing to prove to anyone, because I am secure in our relationship.
Sometimes It looks like fights. Like any relationship. Hard questions. Moments of anger, followed by intimacy.
It doesn’t always look like feelings. Sometimes it looks like believing I am loved even when I feel hideous and unlovable. It’s constantly remembering the commitment that has been made.
(You know, the one between God and Jesus. The one I have nothing to do with but still get to partake in.)
It means keeping my heart open when I just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone.
But it also means when I chose to do so, I am never alone in that corner.
It often looks like struggle, because it seems “easier” to fall back into a lifeless routine.
But it also looks like rest, because fundamentally, it is.
It looks like a breath of energy when I am worn out and piling burdens on top of my self.
It looks like that calm, certain thought in the middle of confusion, in the midst of worrying about the future:
“This is exactly where I need to be…”
It looks like comfort in pain.
Joy in uncertainty.
Creativity in the midst of a dry spell.
And love.
Always love.
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